I'm not an atheist, but I "randomly" chose to read this article. It's the best article on God and faith, written by an atheist, that I've ever read. I was struck with very limited mobility in 1986 and struck with an even greater level of mobility in 2021. Im and am now confined to a wheelchair or bed. I have walked through my version of what you described here and have cursed God and begged him to heal me back to my previous level of impaired mobility. Has he? No? Does that make me believe in him less? No.
God has mysterious ways. My extra level of handicap--and your thoughts and feelings about your wife's cancer--may have a ripple affect on someone else years, decades, later, whom we'll never know. I know my latest got me to exchange one career,--while still in a nursing home, never knowing if I'd go home again, to a completely different career that's more sited to my heart's desire. I'm sure there's a God, but many times I have to choose my own meaning in a heart-breaking situation. Keep cracking your heart open and share the soft insides with us in your writing.

Thank you for letting us peek into your darkest moments.